AITA for telling my husband he needs to quit his dream job?
This is Kitchen page story.
So I (32F) and my husband (29M) live in an area with an extremely high cost of living. I work a job that pays decently well, which is kind of necessary to live where we do. My husband worked a job for years that paid less than mine did, but was okay overall, though he absolutely hated working there.
Around October of last year, my husband managed to get a job in his dream career field. He had been working at it for years, and was really excited about finally getting there. However, it’s come with
The big issue is, the pay in his field is abysmal. He works as a freelancer (which is standard in his industry) so his job has zero benefits, and it’s a pretty significant pay cut from his old job.
We don’t have combined finances, and after he took the new job, we had to rearrange how we pay for things to account for his lower income. Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off while he didn’t. As it is now, I have to be the breadwinner since his income was basically halved, paying for a larger portion of the expenses.
I sat him down recently and told him I felt he needed to quit his job and find a better-paying field because it just wasn’t feasible. He got upset, since like I said, this is something he’s dreamed of for years and worked really hard to get, which I understand. But I just feel this isn’t fair to me. We’ve had to cut back on a lot of things and there’s not really any sign of a pay increase at this point. I feel like I’m carrying him.
He offered to get a part-time job on the side, but I know anything he could get that would be feasible for him while keeping his current job wouldn’t provide much. He suggested we move somewhere less expensive, to which I said absolutely not, since we’d have to go quite a ways to find something in that range and it’d mean ridiculously long commutes to my work and being further away from my family. He offered to have his parents help, which I don’t want because it’s not a long-term solution.
He’s extremely upset, and I understand it, because I know he worked hard to get here. If he quit now, it’d basically kill his career and it would be extremely hard for him to get another shot at this job. It’s not like we’re struggling, which is true, we can pay rent and put food on the table, but I hate feeling like this. I work long days at a rather difficult job, while he works from home doing something he did before as a hobby and only makes half as much money now.
My point is that it’s not like he has to stop doing what he does altogether, since as I mentioned, he did it as a hobby beforehand, but he’s upset because he said this is the only thing he’s ever wanted to do career-wise and giving it up now would mean he likely never would be able to make it work.
AITA? I understand this is important to him but I’m starting to resent him because I feel like the burden of our finances are being placed on me and we’ve had to cut back on a lot of things.
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4games1 said,
YTA,
My husband worked a job for years that paid less than mine did, but was okay overall, though he absolutely hated working there.
Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off
I feel like the burden of our finances are being placed on me and we’ve had to cut back on a lot of things.
How many years did he work at a job that he hated, while he carried the burden of the finances so you could pay off your student loans?
Fun Charge said,
YTA. it would be one thing if his pay cut had made it so you were truly financially struggling. But from what you said, you’re not.
Isn’t it more important for your husband to be happy and fulfilled by his work than to have some extra luxuries? Also, it sounds like he’s trying to find compromises, and you’re not.
Omeomi24 said,
YTA – If I’m reading right – for ‘years’ he earned less than you but paid more toward the household than you did – so you could pay off YOUR student debt. It’s been less than a year – doesn’t he deserve at least enough time to prove himself?
Perhaps somewhere near the time it took you pay off your debt? You are not struggling so why not give him time to work a part time job or see if he can find a way to turn this freelancing into a money making endeavor.
“it’s important to him…BUT…’ But what? You don’t care if he’s happy or not? You don’t think he deserves a chance to at least TRY the career he’s dreamed of? You resent him because he is earning less and you have to trim the budget.
He was working a job he hated…perhaps with a bit of time he can turn the freelancing into at least a job he LIKES. This is important to him – he has suggested various compromises and you say ‘no’ to all of them and your negativity toward his chosen work comes across loud and clear.
You may be right – this may not be feasible long term…but it’s impossible if you are there telling him it won’t work every day. Agree on a timeline (say, two years total) and at that time he will either be doing well or ready to get a different job. Once you have a target date…support him, encourage him…do what you can to help.
Mustard On Flannel said,
YTA. What have you tried to do yourself? Just because you make more money and work long hours doesn’t mean the onus is on him to “pull his weight”. It doesn’t sound like he’s being a lazy freeloader to me. He worked a job that made him miserable to help get your student loan debt paid off, now he’s finally happy.
It sounds like you’re the one that wants to live in an expensive way in order to keep your current job and be near your family. You you you. What are you doing for him? Have you considered getting a different job or pursuing a promotion? Why can’t you find a way to live that doesn’t require him to be miserable?
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